From Conversation To Clarity

Welcome back, Alex. How are you arriving today?

[sighs] I'm... honestly, I'm exhausted. But also kind of wired, if that makes sense?

Exhausted and wired. That's a familiar combination for many leaders. What's underneath that today?

So... we had this production incident last night. Nothing catastrophic, but it pulled me out of family dinner. Again. And I could see the look on my partner's face. Not angry, just... resigned? Like this is just how it is now.

Resigned. That's a powerful word. What does that look tell you?

That I've broken too many promises about being present. That they've stopped expecting me to show up fully because I've taught them I won't.

You've taught them you won't. How does it feel to say that out loud?

[pause] It feels... terrible. Really terrible. Because I don't want to be that person. I love my family. I took this role partly for them - better comp, better opportunity. But now I'm losing what I was trying to protect.

So there's this intention - to provide, to create opportunity - and an unintended consequence that's showing up in how your partner sees you. What else are you noticing about this pattern?

It's not just my partner. Yesterday in our leadership team meeting, I caught myself checking Slack during the CFO's update. And I know people see that. I'm modeling exactly what I tell my team not to do.

You're noticing a gap between your values and your behavior. Both at home and at work. What would it look like if those were aligned?

If they were aligned... [long pause] I think I'd have to trust my team more. Actually trust them, not just say I trust them while secretly monitoring everything.

Say more about that distinction - 'actually trust' versus 'say I trust'.

Well, I tell them they're empowered to make decisions. But then I'm in every Slack channel, responding to everything, jumping into incidents even when they have it handled. So what message am I really sending?

What message do you think you're sending?

That I don't actually trust them. That they need me to do it right. [pause] Oh wow. That's... that's not what I want at all.

You're having a realization. What are you seeing?

That this isn't about them needing me. It's about me needing to be needed. And that's... that's my own stuff, not theirs.

That's a profound insight. What makes you need to be needed in this way?

[long pause] I think... if I'm not the one solving the hard problems, then what's my value? Like, anyone can 'manage'. But technical leadership, being in the details - that's where I prove I deserve this role.